Tuesday 24 June 2008

Steven Jackson - Just suck it up

Steven Jackson is probably one of the least tactful - and most entertaining - players in the league today. One of the more intelligent players in the game, Jackson is like a rent-a-quote machine set to 'stun', and in his recent interview with Michael Silver for Yahoo Sports, he does not disappoint...

"I had a colonic," Jackson said, referring to the trendy colon-cleansing therapy that is akin to an extended enema on steroids. "My girlfriend had the bright idea: 'Let's go get your system cleaned out.' It lasted about 45 minutes, and by the end, I (expletive) wanted to cry. Let's just say I got stabbed in the (rear) six times."
- Rams RB Steven Jackson to Michael Silver of Yahoo


It gets so much better though. Not content with revealing the hosing his ass has taken, Jackson goes into detail, along with Girlfriend Supriya Harris. Here are the best quotes of a thoroughly penetrating article:

"My hands were covered in sweat, and the (colon therapist) lady comes in and starts talking my ear off. There's this thin hose-type-thing that you put up there that shoots water into you and sucks everything out, but I had trouble getting it in, and then it kept coming out. The lady had to come back six different times and put it back in there. It was brutal."
- Jackson again


"Trust me, she didn't mind. I was having mine done in the next room, and she kept coming in to tell me how fine he was. I was like, 'Could you please stop hitting on my boyfriend while you're cleaning out my colon?' When we got done and he walked out to the waiting room, I said, 'Steven, are you OK?' He said, 'I don't want to talk about it.' I swear to God, he looked like a kid who'd been in there with R Kelly."
-Supriya Harris


That last quote may force us to go against all prior evidence, and accept that women can be funny in an intentional manner. Despite the sheer horror of making love to a hosepipe, the man known as S-Jax to absolutely nobody seems converted, saying 'Once you get it all out of you, your body feels great. You get a boost of energy, and you feel like you can accomplish anything' Actually, a colonic irrigation company would be a great sponsor for any franchise named 'The Rams'.

Let's just hope Jackson hits the hole slightly better than last year.

The Miami Dolphins: Season 2008 Preview


The Miami Dolphins

Recent history has been bittersweet for the Miami Dolphins. Traditionally one of the NFL's most popular franchises, the 'fins have not won a championship for nearly 35 years, and despite having one of the most prolific passers of the modern era, they did not convert several opportunities to win the big one during his Hall of Fame career. The Dan Marino era is long since departed, though, and as with almost all great Quarterbacks, his shoes have proved incredibly difficult to fill. We could list the assorted journeymen, high draft choices and complete bums who have attempted to follow Marino, but it would hurt the keyboard to do so.

Although generally a trendy 'sleeper pick' at this time of year, the Dolphins have not actually made the Playoffs since 2001, when they were destroyed by the Ravens 20-3. A revenge of sorts was exacted in 2007 - though probably not in the way owner Wayne Huizenga would have hoped for. Huizenga himself has half of his stake in the Dolphins, and it will soon be time for one of the more philanthropic owners in the NFL to leave behind his dream of winning sports championships in South Florida.

The Coach
Tony Sparano enters his first season as head coach with a great deal more support than most could expect from 'Vice President of Team Operations' Bill Parcells. Forget everything that title suggests - Parcells is pulling the strings here, and it won't be long before his protegé is wondering just whether the Tuna is quite ready to give up coaching.

One advantage Sparano has over almost any other person who could have taken the job, is that he was Parcells' choice no matter what. He made that clear when negotiating a similiar position with Atlanta owner Arthur Blank. Sparano was Quarterbacks coach at Dallas when Parcells coached their last season, but despite his relative anonymity, is highly regarded in league circles, perhaps even more so that Cowboys Assistant Jason Garrett, the successor to Wade Phillips.

2007 season
It's not always easy judging whether a team failed, met expectations, or punched above it's weight when you analyse a season. However, with the Miami Dolphins 2007 season, we can safely use the term 'debacle' to describe events. Despite a QB situation that seemed like some kind of terrible idea for a sitcom - including a starting QB one concussion shy of retirement (Trent Green) - the 'fins were everyone's trendy sleeper pick. Looking back, it's easy to laugh, but remember that Green was brought in to help veterans like Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas finally get that elusive championship ring by then coach Cam Cameron.

What transpired was laughable - unless you were a Dolphin fan. The team started well, and were unlucky to lose in Overtime to the Redskins in week one. Losing to the Texans in week 5 also saw Green go down with what turned out to be the final concussion of his Dolphins career, and the loss of Running back Ronnie Brown in week 7 effectively ended any outside hopes of a recovery.

With the team visiting London 0-7, the media were forced to reconfigure their predictions for the Dolphins. Just winning a game now looked an almighty task for a team playing with a backup QB and RB tandem, and with arguably the team's best WR Chris Chambers, shipped off to San Diego. The onus fell on Cleo Lemon - who was widely consider a placeholder for 2nd round pick John Beck - to lead a demoralised team in the Wembley mud. A sloppy game, probably more remarkable for it's location and the quality of streaker, ended in a Giants victory.

Naught much need be said about a team that was headed for the first 0-16 season in NFL history. That dubious distinction will fall to another set of cork-popping veterans, however, as the 'fins finally chalked a win (and revenge) up against the equally terrible Baltimore Ravens. It should be noted that they only managed a win in overtime, and that the Ravens had a pretty good shot at winning the game on their last drive, but had to settle for a field goal.

Expected losses at New England and against the Bungles followed, both under the gaze of new VP of Footballing operations (we still hate that term, he's just 'the VP' from now on ok?) Bill Parcells. Byt this point it seemed unlikely that Cam Cameron could save his job, and so it turned out, as he was unceremoniously sacked after one of the worst seasons in Dolphins and NFL History.

Draft class of 2008

1 - Jake Long T Michigan
2 - Phillip Merling DE Clemson
2 - Chad Henne QB Michigan
3 - Kendall Langford DE Hampton
4 - Shawn Murphy G Utah State
6 - Jalen Parmele RB Toledo
6 - Donald Thomas G Connecticut
6 - Lex Hilliard FB Montana
7 - Lionel Dotson DT Arizona

Parcells, a respected practitioner in the field of the NFL draft, has come up trumps in 2008. First of all, he eschewed the vocal majority who called for Chris Long, Matt Ryan, or Glenn Dorsey. All three are good players, but an offensive line that consisted of just one Tackle was the major concern. With Brown expected to be rehabilitated early from his torn ACL, he will need Jake Long to anchor his left side, and Long will also be critical in the development of either John Beck or Chad Henne at Quarterback. Henne is one of the better prospects from the 2008 class. He shows poise, leadership, and all the physical skills to become one of the best signal-callers in the NFL. That may sound like a wild exaggeration, but the guy is a leader of men. He comes from Michigan, along with his fellow rookie OT too, so it's difficult to imagine the questionable Beck keeping him out for long.

Elsewhere the Dolphins focused on Defensive ends, taking Merling and Langford in early rounds. Merling looked a steal in round 2, but keep an eye also, on rookie RB Jalene Parmele. Despite being third on the depth chart, he has to know that both Brown and Ricky Williams have health issues. He did not have a fumble in his career at Toledo, and was one of the quickest RB's at this year's combine.

Strong side

After such a weak season, it's not easy to characterise this team's strengths. The running game is healthy - when it's primary sources are healthy - and the addition of Long should give hope to Dolphins fans everywhere. Brown looked exceptional last year even behind a weak line, and was on course to finish at the top of the yardage list if not for his injury.

Elsewhere the depth at Linebacker and along the Defensive line is good, but the aging Joey Porter could well be the weak link alongside Channing Crowder and Akin Ayodele.

Weak side

Where do you start? the secondary is a good place. Jason Allen, a first rounder in 2006, needs to start fulfilling his potential. He is currently number three on a depth chart that is bereft of stars, and with the loss of Michael Lehan to injury, Allen will be forced to play CB this year, rather than at Free Safety, where the Dolphins have eased him into the defensive scheme. Ex-Dallas SS Keith Davis will likely supplant Yeremiah Bell, while Renaldo Hill will likely line up next to him.

On the offensive line questions still need to be answered. The lack of depth at tackle is particularly worrying, and that is after the addition of Long. One bright spot could be that Guard Justin Smiley, a Free Agent aquisition from the 49ers, will be able to nurture Long through the initial trials of his career.

The main question though, is in the passing game. At both WR and QB, the team is lacking identity. First of all, look at both Chris Chambers and Wes Welker. Both left the Dolphins last season, and we saw what happened. Welker produced a brilliant (yet not completely surprising) season for the Patriots, and the Chargers got something close to the best out of Chambers. Ted Ginn Jnr now leads the Receiving unit, but Ernest Wilford will hardly set the fans pulses racing (in the good way) heading into this year.

Couple that with the complete uncertainty regarding the QB situation, and you have a farce waiting to happen. Our guess? Josh McCown will start in week one, but expect Henne to beat out the other two by week four. Beck will need to show that he can play during pre-season or not at all. We wouldn't be surprised to see a Charlie Frye-esque trading of Beck before week six.

Major transactions

In:
WR Ernest Wilford
LB Akin Ayodele
DT Jason Ferguson
SS Keith Davis
LB Charlie Anderson
TE Anthony Fasano
OG Justin Smiley
DE Randy Starks
QB Josh McCown

Out:
QB Trent Green
OT L.J Shelton
WR Marty Booker
DT keith Traylor
LB Zach Thomas


2008 Schedule

1 Sun, Sep 7th, 2008 NY Jets 01:00 PM Dolphin Stadium
2 Sun, Sep 14th, 2008 at Arizona 04:15 PM University of Phoenix Stadium
3 Sun, Sep 21st, 2008 at New England 01:00 PM Gillette Stadium
4 Bye
5 Sun, Oct 5th, 2008 San Diego 01:00 PM Dolphin Stadium
6 Sun, Oct 12th, 2008 at Houston 01:00 PM Reliant Stadium
7 Sun, Oct 19th, 2008 Baltimore 01:00 PM Dolphin Stadium
8 Sun, Oct 26th, 2008 Buffalo 01:00 PM Dolphin Stadium
9 Sun, Nov 2nd, 2008 at Denver 04:05 PM Invesco Field at Mile High
10 Sun, Nov 9th, 2008 Seattle 01:00 PM Dolphin Stadium
11 Sun, Nov 16th, 2008 Oakland 01:00 PM Dolphin Stadium
12 Sun, Nov 23rd, 2008 New England 01:00 PM Dolphin Stadium
13 Sun, Nov 30th, 2008 at St. Louis 01:00 PM Edward Jones Dome
14 Sun, Dec 7th, 2008 at Buffalo 04:05 PM Rogers Centre - Toronto, Ontar
15 Sun, Dec 14th, 2008 San Francisco 01:00 PM Dolphin Stadium
16 Sun, Dec 21st, 2008 at Kansas City 01:00 PM Arrowhead Stadium
17 Sun, Dec 28th, 2008 at NY Jets 01:00 PM Meadowlands



Fan view

Miami fan Jay Rowell on whether the Dolphins can rebound in '08...

Yes! They can. Obviously, last year it was a very bad year for Miami. Tony Sparano worked under Bill Parcells as an Assistant head coach, so they already have this connection between them that could prove beneficial for the Dolphins. Hopefully he can re-build the bond between (the front office) and Jason Taylor... I think Parcells is the best thing that's come to Miami this year - that could really make the Difference.

My prediction is that they will make a huge comeback. They won't make the play-offs but I think they just need to make sure, they do a hell of a lot better than they did last year.



Wide-Right's view

'Desperate optimism' may be the order of the day in South Florida this year. The Solphins are a real mess, and even with Bill Parcells at the helm, they have a fight on their hands. We're not for one second suggesting that Parcells won't make the Dolphins better in the long run, but short term, his goal has to be to prevent a youthful coaching and playing staff from becoming shell shocked. When you've gone 1-15, you may think the only way is up, but countless franchises have spent considerable years without success because a young, core group of players developed losing habits early in their careers.

With this in mind, Tony Sparano needs to be strong enough to stand up to the Tuna and stamp his own identity on this team. Sparano is no walkover, nor is he Parcells' puppet, but everyone is aware that it is unlikely he would have his job were it not for the VP's insistence.

A bonus is the expected return of Ronnie Brown. Brown was a monster over the first half of last season, and if he returns anywhere near full speed, Miami have a shot at winning games. Brown is critical as he brings safe hands to a thin receiving corps, and his ability could be the crucial factor in developing one of the two young Quarterbacks on the Miami roster.

The Jason Taylor situation continues to fester, but realistically it's Miami or bust for the 2006 Defensive player of the year. Taylor is the face of this defence, and his loss would be a huge blow, no matter what renumeration the team received. The rumours of a trade to Green Bay, we dealt with in this article. In short, it's a risky trade that we don't see makes sense for either team. With Taylor's new-found love affair with the media likely to be a talking point all year, perhaps the Front Office would be wise to cash in on Taylor before he retires (as he has stated an intention to do so) next year. On the other hand, if the team actually believes they have any shot at winning, losing the two emotional leaders -Thomas and Taylor - in the same offseason, would likely put paid to those hopes.

Prediction for 2008

The Dolphins won't finish 0-16, but it's likely that the team will have another offseason rebuilding program come 2009. The opening games against the Jets and Cardinals provide ample opportunity to exorcise the demons of last year before the Patriots loom large in week 3. It is critical that one of those games is won, if only to avoid driving us all insane with Jason Taylor trade talk.

At a guess? 4-12. One step at a time for Bill and Co.

Useful links for Miami fans

Official site
Depth chart
Bitchin' Dave

The Hefty Lefty is unemployed

Jared Lorenzen, the mammoth backup Quarterback of the New York Giants, has been released. The move brings about the end of a sterling career, in which Jared's main (non-eating) achievement was that classic first-down two seasons ago awhen he was brought out on 3rd and 1 instead of Eli Manning against the Eagles. Of course, there's very little way of stopping Jared getting a yard, providing he doesn't collapse under his own weight before the snap.

Like a human bowling ball, 285lb (yeah, right) Lorenzen is affectionately known by about 562 nicknames, but of course, 'The Pilsbury Throwboy' must get an honourable mention.

Despite our mockery, Lorenzen should really catch on somewhere. He's a role model for people everywhere, someone who literally doesn't care at all about their weight and yet still played QB in the NFL, despite being bigger than most of his linemen.